[crickets chirping]
[Melchior] It's that way.
[gentle chiming]
It just got complicated.
[whimsical music playing]
NETFLIX PRESENTS
I'm confused... I thought it was that way.
I'm confused. Are you sure this is the way?
- [Caspar] I've been following you. - [Balthazar] You must follow the star.
[Caspar] Stop with this star thing!
Last time, we chased nothing but an ordinary comet.
- We ended up in Greece! - [Balthazar] Are you complaining?
PORTA DOS FUNDOS' CHRISTMAS SPECIAL SHOW
[Balthazar] Wasn't it worth it? The beaches, Mykonos!
Beautiful, exciting people... [beatboxes]
[Melchior] It's this way. I've got a good feeling. Come on.
- [Caspar] A good feeling... - [Balthazar] That's what scares me.
[menacing music playing]
THE FIRST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Are they still living at that manger house?
- Yes. - I don't mean to raise hell,
but Joseph could've bought a better place already.
- With what money? - Isn't he a woodworker?
Yeah, the worst woodworker in the whole world.
I asked him to make me a table once.
It was so uneven that I used it to level my old table.
Seriously, after 30 years, nobody knows the way?
It's too far, Caspar. It's impossible to remember.
That's why only animals go to their parties.
It's Thelma!
- Thelma! No? Is it her? - Who, Melchior?
- No, it's not Thelma. - Who's Thelma? Who's Thelma?
A Roman girl I met at the crucifixion.
We made plans to go to Jesus' house together.
Are you bringing Thelma to the Lord's house?
Why? Isn't my name on the list? She's my plus-one, it's etiquette.
You can't bring a pick-me-up to a family party, Melchior.
Caspar, no one will notice Thelma in all that fuss.
What fuss? It's an intimate get together!
- It's a petit comité. - That's annoying too.
- What? - They only invite us to the baptism,
baby shower, bridal shower. It's like we're a bunch of old maids.
You're starting to sound crazy. Come on, let's go.
- It's hard for me. - What?
The long walk, buying gifts, it's...
- [Melchior] Huh? - [scoffs]
Buying gifts? We saw you plucking these back there.
- You've just picked them. - It's the intention that counts.
- The guy's God's son. - What, he doesn't like flowers?
Just so you know, I'm bringing snacks to the party.
- Now let's go. What? - Melchior!
You're a wise man, not a caterer.
My ham and cheese roll-up is so good, you'll feel like rubbing your face on it.
They're Jews, and you're bringing pork, dumb ass?
Did I say pork? I said ham!
Nobody has to eat it if they don't want to.
The Shiva worshippers will be there.
- They'll eat it. Now let's go. - Shiva worshippers? Right...
- [Balthazar] Quit arguing. - [Caspar] All right!
[chicken clucks]
Guys, the place is too quiet.
[goat bleats]
I'm embarrassed I invited Thelma to such a lousy party.
- [cow mooing] - Judging by the silence, it must be bad.
- It's boring. - Well, we could...
- Let's get out of here. - No, no!
- Let's go before someone sees us. - No, we go in,
and say we just came by to say hi 'cause we have other plans.
- Great! Other plans. - Okay?
- Got it, Caspar? - [Caspar] Yes, it's all good.
- All right, let's go. - Come on.
- [door creaks] - [Balthazar] It's open, man.
- [Caspar] It's not here. - [Balthazar] It is.
[Melchior] It's so dark in here. Hello?
[group] Surprise!
[yelps]
- [Balthazar] Are you nuts? - [Joseph] Holy shit, it must have hurt!
- He scared me! - You hit my jaw!
♪ Oh, Lord, pour your bless... ♪
What's this?
- No! - It ain't Jesus, Auntie!
You're fucking strong. Goddammit!
Gosh! Are you demented, Aunt?
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
Aunt!
It's not him, Aunt!
[guest] Enough, Auntie.
Stop... Get the shredded papyrus off the floor, will you?
- That's enough. - It was hard to do.
Come on in. Surprise parties can't start late.
I'm late because I was buying him these beautiful flowers.
- Has everyone brought flowers? - But mine has all the colors.
- They are all colorful. - No.
- What's up, Three Wise Men? - Hi, Joseph.
- Would you like a drink? - Yeah, sure.
What have you got?
- We've got water. - Water?
It's from a waterfall next door.
It's small, but the water is purified by the rocks.
- It's tasty. - But it's water.
There's no wine 'cause Jesus doesn't work miracles yet.
I wonder how Jesus will deal with being God's son, miracles and stuff.
- He'll be fine. - Oh!
- He's so sweet. - You startled me.
- He really is. - [Joseph] I'll talk to him.
I wrote a speech with all my love.
- Did you write it? - It's lovely.
[laughs]
I made some drawings, so I think he'll understand.
- He's 30 years old, huh, Joseph? - Thirty!
- Time flies. - Is that myrrh?
- I... - Did you bring myrrh again?
- Darling. - Wait a minute.
- What's wrong with myrrh? - Someone's gotta say it.
First the flowers, now the myrrh.
- I'll bring nothing next year. - Calm down, Balth.
- Does that work for you? - I told you.
- [Balthazar] What? - Balth.
Don't "Balth" me.
- Respect royalty, Mary. - You've changed.
Mary! He's a king!
- It went to his head. - Don't do that, please!
- I told you. - I brought the food you wanted.
See? He likes me.
- Let me see. It's not pork, right? - It's delicious.
- It smells good. - Is it okay?
Holly sh...!
- Mm! - It's delicious. You can't stop eating.
It is delicious. What's in it?
- That's... - Soy! It's soy. [chuckles]
- Melchior made it. - Soy, huh?
- Soy, yeah. - How do you make it?
Ah...
[stammers] Well, it's a roll-up. The name says it all.
You roll the dough with the soy on it, and that's that.
- Then bake it. - But how do you cook the soy?
- Does she think I'm Palmirinha? - [Caspar laughs]
I've actually invited her. But can't you tell me?
- Well, soy is about individual taste. - Don't be silly!
Tell me.
- I've never had this. It's yummy. - I...
I personally like to make it... [stammers] I like a free-range soy.
Right? Out in the field, so it can work out,
eat grass, drink water from the creek.
Until it reaches the right age and weight.
Then you slaughter it, cut its neck with an axe,
- [Caspar] No... - kill the soy, and that's it. Right?
- Yeah, that's it. [chuckles] - Cut the neck? I'm not sure I follow.
It's Melchior's family secret! Right? [laughs]
It's Mom's stuff. You know her.
- Didn't your mom use to breed pigs? - [goat bleats]
- It was soy. - Quiet. Jesus is here. Shh!
Shh! Get down.
[guest] Turn off the lights.
[shushes]
[door opens]
- Surprise! - [all] Surprise!
- Fuck! - [grunts]
Dammit, Leonor!
- Are you trying to kill me? - I don't think I'll survive this party.
♪ Oh, Lord, pour your bless... ♪
Are you dumb, Auntie?
- Where's Jesus? - He spent 40 days in the desert,
but he'll be right back.
Forty days is too long, honey.
Why? What's wrong?
He's finding himself, leave him be.
I do. I'm just worried. I'm his father, Mary.
[Mary] We know that. Stop it.
- I'm a father, I feel it. - That's self-affirmation...
- Hey. - Oh, my God.
- You've got something here. - [dings]
[all laugh]
Darling, did you really invite him?
Did you want me not to invite his father?
His father? Are you kidding me, Mary?
- He said he wouldn't come, Joseph. - Wait. What?
- When did you talk to him? - Well...
- "Well" what, Mary? - I don't know... Yesterday.
Yesterday? How? I spent the entire day with you.
- Tell me the truth. - You're so annoying.
- Am I? - Last night, whatever.
- At night. - What? At night?
- Yeah. - While I was asleep?
- Good evening. - Fuck.
- [Mary] Good evening. How are you? - [God] How are you?
[Joseph grumbles]
- I brought you both a small gift. - [Mary] Oh!
- Thank you. You shouldn't have. - Really shouldn't.
- For us both. - Wow! Great, thanks.
Beautifully wrapped. I love the fabric.
Aw! Look, Joseph! Didn't I tell you
we needed a painting to brighten up the house?
It's our family. Look.
- Yeah. - I remember. You said it.
[indistinct chatter]
- What? You remember? - What?
It's a figure of speech.
You've been listening to our conversations?
- Don't make a scene. - This is an invasion of privacy.
- It's an abuse of power! - We love it!
Yes, we do.
- [Mary] Thank you. - I'm glad you like it.
- I'm very happy. - [Mary] It's beautiful.
Did you see it? I'm half-painted!
- [Mary] That's art! - Art?
The artist didn't have time to finish painting everyone.
Ah... He didn't have time. Great artist.
- What's his name? - It's me.
Aren't you the Almighty God?
Isn't he the God of Perfection?
He can barely finish a painting. [forced laugh]
I had a lot of things to do, Joseph.
He's teasing me, Mary.
- I also brought angel wings. - [Mary] Mm.
But they're not to fly, they're for eating!
[laughs]
- [Joseph] Hold on. - "They're not to fly!"
[laughs]
- Mary, please! - Have you lost your sense of humor?
Noah came up with that one ages ago!
I'll tell this one to Jesus so he can spread it.
- Make yourself at home. - Oh, it practically is.
- Is he kidding me? - Will you ruin the party?
Okay. Hey, look! Is your stand-up act over?
Are you done?
Here's your applause. Now go away.
[forced laugh]
- What's going on, guys? - Son!
Yeah... [chuckles]
Surprise!
Oh, boy.
Give me a hug, honey!
Wow! We have a full house!
That's nobody. Go away. He's nobody, guys.
- J said everyone would be sleeping. - Do I sing again?
- No, Auntie. - She's so cute. I loved your outfit.
- Whose birthday is it? - [Jesus] No one... Mine.
You monster, you didn't tell me! I didn't buy you a gift!
- Your hair's all messed up. - He's something else.
Who's he? Won't you introduce your friend?
- It's me! - Who's who?
- I'm Orlando. - [Mary] How are you?
How's it going? [chuckles]
Introductions are not needed, he's leaving.
Where is he from?
From the desert, Dad, you don't know him.
- What do you mean? - From the desert, I...
- Auntie Lupita! - Is he a fairy?
Hey...
- I've seen a black one too. - No!
- Don't mind her... - Let her be.
Eat this.
Take her away. Now!
My aunt says the same thing about lepers and lefties.
[Jesus] Come back later.
Mom, you have to tell me about these things.
How was I supposed to know you were spending 40 days out there?
You didn't tell me! Imagine how I felt.
You're right, I'm sorry. I loved the party you threw me.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
How did you know I was coming back today?
- Your uncle... - Hey.
- Uncle Vitorio! I've missed you. - Hey, champ.
- How are you? - [chuckles] I'm fine.
- What about that beard? - Do you like it?
- Yeah, I love it. - It's the desert.
- We let go a little bit. - You let it grow.
- But why did you shave your chest? - It's... Well, it's for swimming.
- Swimming? - [Joseph] Jesus!
My dear son, my big boy.
The son I've loved and cared for for 30 years now.
I've got you a gift, kiddo.
Dad made you something beautiful.
- Wow! For me? - [Joseph] Yeah, for you!
- How does it work? - Listen, son.
Check it out, just for you.
[plays jarring melody]
Oh, we got the concept already.
- We figured it's a great flute. - Thanks a lot.
I've also made you a present. Here it is.
- [gentle chiming] - [gasps]
- [God] Check it out. - Oh my!
You can even play with just one hand. Watch.
[jazz piano melody plays]
Wow!
[whoops]
- [guests cheering] - [Orlando] Awesome!
Shush!
- [Orlando] What a great sound. - [Mary] Great!
Can you do that on flute, Joseph?
[stammers] It's a different... beast.
It sure is. One day, I'll teach you to play the Beatles.
- What's that? - J!
I'm in love with your family.
I was telling Auntie Lupita how we met.
I don't think she got it.
- You don't have to. - It's a great story!
It's not interesting at all.
- [Orlando] It sure is! - [Jesus] Aren't we eating?
I was about to tell her how we do it.
[shouts] No!
Not that! Are you crazy?
- [Mary] Why? - I was about to tell...
- Nobody wants to know. - Let him talk, we want to know.
- He doesn't know how to tell it. - Don't I?
- I was bathing in an oasis. - [Jesus] He doesn't know.
- I was naked. - [Joseph] And then?
And then I asked for directions.
- I asked, and he gave it to me. - You bet I did.
I sure gave it to him.
Aunt Lupita!
♪ Oh, Lord, pour your bless... ♪
- Don't pour your drink! - That's not it!
- Stop it! - No!
Give it to me. She's naive. She doesn't understand.
- Give me your hand... - Jesus, let me tell you something.
[Jesus] Mm.
There's a difficult talk coming up.
Relax, fill your heart with love, and get ready.
- Look, keep an open mind. - Keep an open mind.
- [Caspar] Open mind. - All right.
It's so annoying. Okay. Mm? What's up?
- Son... - Yeah.
Your father, Uncle Vitorio, and I want to talk to you in private.
What is going on?
- It's important. - What is it? Say it.
It's difficult. I've found...
Did you find my diary?
[shouting] You went through my things! Do I open your drawers?
There's nothing in my diary!
This is so annoying. I have no privacy in this house!
That's why I'm leaving!
Am I the only one who can't have relationships?
- Jesus... - Is it a crime for a boy to have dreams?
Can't I dream about a cousin? I have blood in my veins!
- What diary? - You didn't find it?
- It wasn't a diary. - There's no diary, guys! [chuckles]
- I don't have a diary! What? - [Joseph chuckles]
[Jesus chuckles nervously]
I thought it would be a good time for us to talk.
Oh, that's it? So let's talk right here.
Not here, son. Let's go to our room, please.
- [Jesus] Why? - It's for the best.
- [Joseph] Let's go. - Orlando, make yourself at home.
I get along with everyone, you know that.
Lupita and I are besties already.
- [chuckles] - Plus, I'm in love with this king's bling.
It's gold.
No kidding!
I can't believe it. What rock is that?
[mooing sound plays on keyboard]
[chuckles]
- [neighing sound plays on keyboard] - [chuckles]
[quacking and barking sounds play]
[upbeat music playing on keyboard]
[chuckles]
[chirping and barking sounds play]
- [chirping sounds play] - [laughs]
Honey, you know we love you a lot, right?
Honey... let me do the talking.
I'll say it, I...
- Okay. - I've been preparing myself...
for this for 30 years, so... let me say it.
[inhales sharply]
Jesus...
[breathes deeply]
...we're here to tell you that...
- I'm your father. - [shouts] Son of a bitch!
- What was that? - You fucking son of a bitch!
- What? - He knew I wanted to say it, Mary.
He would know anyway.
But we agreed I would fucking tell him!
What's happening? Is Uncle Vitorio my father?
- There's no Uncle Vitorio, I'm God. - He doesn't know how to say it!
I invented speech, dear.
You're so full of yourself. You have no tact.
- [sighs] Look, son. - Stepson.
He's my son, your stepson at best.
- You're an absent father! - Absent?
I'm omnipresent, I'm always here.
He jerks off, I'm right next to him.
What? That's not right.
- He's so vulgar, he... - That's enough.
Is it over? Aren't we respecting each other anymore?
Mom, just to be clear, Uncle Vitorio is God?
There's no Uncle Vitorio! I'm sorry.
We made that up to not confuse you.
I'm God and your father. That's what you need to know.
What about Joseph? How are we related?
Joseph is... How can I say this? He's a surrogate father.
He makes me so angry when he says shit like that!
- He's like a babysitter. - I'll throw a cabinet at him.
Try to make a curved staircase, an open-concept kitchen.
I'll break a plank on your neck, you prick!
- I annihilated dinosaurs with a fart. - Fuck off!
So you and Mom...
- No. - No?
Nothing happened between us.
- Nothing. - Nothing.
- Nothing. Please, c'mon, no. - [Jesus] Mm.
I mean...
- What? - "I mean" what?
- Well... - "Well" what?
- Did you forget the... - What does he mean, Mary?
- What? - What was that, Mary?
- I... got inside her. - What did you say, fucker?
- Repeat what you just said! - Stop it!
- You don't know me! - [Mary] Joseph!
Are you crazy?
- Chill out, dude. - Show some respect!
- I can get inside of you too. - I'm friends with a Roman!
Mary, calm Joey down.
- Joey, my ass, man! - [God] Joey...
- I make axe handles! - Joey...
- Don't mess with me. - Hey! Cut it out!
- The boy's desperate. Are you happy? - I don't understand!
Honey, 30 years ago,
Angel Gabriel said I would give birth to God's son, and I accepted.
Then your father...
I mean, your adoptive father, Joseph,
the best man I've ever met, also accepted.
- I'm God's son? - Exactly.
Now I need you to spread the word.
- What word? - Mine.
Say it to one person, who will say it to another two,
who'll say it to another three, and so forth.
Like a pyramid scheme?
Relax, son. Life has other plans for you.
What about my plans? Huh?
What about my dreams? My calling?
- What is it, honey? - I'm glad you asked, Mom.
I was in the desert doing exactly that, trying to get to know myself better.
What I realized, with Orlando's help, is that...
I want to specialize in juggling.
[scoffs]
- What? - [chuckling] Juggling...
Let's forget about juggling. Now you have superpowers.
What do you mean?
- Um... Let me just... - What?
What's up?
Nothing, just... See this? Huh?
- [dings] - Done.
What? [scoffs]
- [chuckling] He's crazy, what the... - [screams]
- [Mary] Your arm, Joseph! - What have you done?
- Joseph, calm down. What is this? - [Joseph groans]
What have you done to my dad?
- [Joseph, screams] - Stay with me, look at me.
- [Mary] Stay with me. - Is that my arm?
Look at this!
♪ God's people... ♪
Put it back. Work a miracle.
I've never done this before. Excuse me, Dad.
Calm down, man!
- Easy. Don't... - [yelps]
I think it's in. It should be working.
[Joseph] Fucking asshole!
- [Jesus] That was easy. - It fucking hurts!
- Did I do that? - Never do that again!
If you do that again, you won't...
- [dings] - He did it again!
Why are you doing this? Joseph, stay with me.
- [Jesus] Look at his arm. - [Mary] Joseph? No!
Joseph.
- [Joseph] Put it back. It hurts! - Hold on!
I think I have to twist it. It's not about strength.
- [yelps] - See? [giggles]
[Joseph groaning]
- I'm quite liking it. - I told you.
You have to understand that you're God now.
- Okay, but... - Now you can do anything.
Can I backpack with Orlando?
Almost anything.
Honey, you have different challenges now.
[bright instrumental music playing]
I don't know. I liked my life before.
I'm not sure I want new challenges, Mom.
[wind blowing]
But being God's son is a blessing.
I think I'd rather be Joseph's son.
Aw! [laughs]
Suck it!
Joseph doesn't have money.
He doesn't have powers, talent,
not even the community's respect.
He's not ashamed of being limited, but he allows me to be who I am.
Thanks, champ. I love you too.
Did I ever have a choice in my life?
Or was everything decided by those who didn't even check with me?
I know it's a lot to process now, Jesus,
but your life has a greater purpose.
- I need to think. - Leave him alone for now.
- Okay. - Come on.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Let's go. Jesus wants to think about all this.
Sure, you can go.
He wants to be alone.
Yeah, but in my case, it doesn't make a difference.
- I'll "leave" then. - [Joseph] Let me talk to him.
Hey.
- Oh, wow! - I'm sorry, son.
- I spaced out for a bit. - I'm sorry.
Could you snap your fingers that way?
Raise your hand. Give me your hand, here.
[chimes play]
[Orlando] Guys, the water turned into wine!
Thank you, son.
- [piano music playing] - [Mary] Joseph, hear that?
- [Mary] What's that? - [Joseph] I do.
[bright piano music continues]
[playing tune of "Jingle Bells"]
♪ God is very good ♪
♪ He created the world in seven days ♪
♪ And sometime after that ♪
♪ He drowned his kids ♪
[exclaims]
♪ He created Adam and Eve Who had sex with each other ♪
♪ If there was only one family How are we even here? ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Let us not dwell on the details We must have faith ♪
♪ God is almighty He doesn't make a lot of sense ♪
♪ Jesus Christ, his firstborn He is so exciting ♪
♪ In the heat of the desert I saw the size of his... power ♪
- [cheers] So beautiful! - Bravo!
Thank you!
I'm still working on my rhymes. It'll get better.
I'll sing another one later.
I wrote a very religious song about raining men.
- You'll love it. - Sure.
- Let's eat. - Let's eat!
Let's eat!
- Wasn't dinner served already? - Can you play this?
This... I can use it as a wedge. The keyboard is wobbling.
Joseph, you got this one right!
[Melchior] Guys, this is Thelma.
Hi! It was hard to find the place, but I did, and here I am.
- Who's Thelma? - She's a friend.
A friend of mine.
- Would you like a quick bite? - I charge upfront.
Didn't I tell you to dress decently?
- And I did. This is decent. - You must be cold.
- Nope, I'm pretty hot. - No, that's great.
- You're great like that. - [laughs]
- You don't feel cold in the bedroom. - [Melchior chuckles]
- Mary, pleasure. - One of the Pontius' girls?
No! Mary is the birthday boy's mother.
She's his mother. It's her house.
Mother? Wow, congratulations.
You could make big bucks.
What do you mean?
She's just praising how religious we are.
- Mary is virgin, so please... - Virgin?
- [Thelma] Would she like to get started? - Deal with it.
- I'll handle it. - [Caspar] Come here, I gotta talk to you.
My finder's fee is 30%. Do you have sparkling wine?
Yes, we have wine.
Leonor, here.
I'm Jesus' father.
- [Thelma] Cool! - I work with custom furniture.
If you need anything, just holler. [chuckles]
Shush! Of course she's not a prostitute!
She's...
[slurping]
- She's just hungry. - She's either a whore or an ostrich.
- Which one is it? - [Melchior] She's just a person
who doesn't want to be oppressed in this sexist system you live in,
- in the society you live in. - Is that so?
So tell her... Oh, my!
...to abide by the rules of this society for today.
Look! Melchior! Look, Melchior!
- You're such a bully! - [Caspar] Am I?
- Oh, am I? - You are.
You criticize all my girlfriends!
I could punch you in the face.
- Thelminha, come here... - Sparkling wine!
- Here! - Take mine!
Try mine, it's sweet.
- Who put raisins in the rice? - I did!
I cooked this entire spread.
- I also added cloves to the turkey. - But why, Joseph?
Apples straight from our backyard to the potato salad. It's delicious!
And there's no chocolate cake this year, folks!
Guess what? The surprise is a walnut cake
with three layers of juicy prunes and rum...
Joseph, tell you what, don't change anything else.
Come on, Balth, you must try the candied fruit.
- I loved it! - Did you, Orlando?
I did! These dishes just needed some cilantro.
- I forgot! I have some. - Add it now.
Mary knows where it is. Where's Mary?
- Isn't she with J? - Maybe.
- What's that? [laughs] - Production left it here.
- I'll add cilantro here. - There's no need!
- Trust me. - Let's start the Secret Santa!
Good call, Do Carmo. Let's start! [chuckles]
Mine's Balthazar.
You can't say it, Auntie
Is it charades, then?
Jeez, Aunt Lupita is on borrowed time in this world.
Guys, I didn't bring a gift, but I can give a one-hour gift card.
Like, let's say my Secret Santa is you.
[duck quacks]
- Cool party, huh? - [exhales sharply]
- It's just incense. - It's me, Mary.
Those folks are cool.
Have you seen Joseph around?
- Huh? Have you? - [whooshes]
- Are you gonna keep running from me? - [Mary] Show some respect.
- When, Mary? - Show some respect.
You're no secret smoker. I know you.
- I've been in your head. - This is my house, Vitorio.
I love it when you call me that to tease me.
- Stop it, Vitorio. - [inhales]
I love this manger and goat poo smell.
- Stop it. - I've just created a big rock.
- Do you feel it? - I do.
- [Thelma speaks indistinctly] - [Mary yelps]
[Mary] That's how Noah put the animals in the ark.
Cool story, God.
We're looking for...
We're looking for everyone.
- [Mary] Aren't you Melchior's guest? - Yes, Melchior. I wonder...
if he's not there in the bushes.
- [Mary] No one left the house. - I think I'll take a look anyway.
[Mary] What for?
Wow, I smell tobacco.
- There he is. - Is he?
- Go straight. - Over there.
I saw him there in the shadows.
- This is crazy. - I know, right? [clears throat]
[Mary] Yeah...
- Let's leave this place. - What are you doing?
- Let's run away together. - Stop it.
Humanity's already compromised. It may as well explode.
- So? - No.
I'll build us a hotel by the beach. You'll have your own business.
I can't.
You can do anything. I've waited 30 years for this.
What if Jesus doesn't accept it?
I'll find some other idiot.
- Anyone can be in charge here. - Let me talk to him.
- Do you want to go to another planet? - Stop it, Vitorio.
- [whispering] Let's go to Mars. - Stop it.
- Let's go to Jupiter. - Please...
- Or Uranus. - Do you have to whisper?
- Uranus is far and hot. - Don't talk like that.
- But I'll keep you warm with my beard. - Your voice.
You know what it can do.
You don't have to use that voice.
- Stop it! - What's wrong?
Stop it, Vitorio. Are you insane?
- Mary, you're messing with my life. - You're insane!
- You're fucking with my head. - What's going on?
You drive me insane, Mary.
- Come here. - Stop it.
I've just created another rock. Feel it.
- [Joseph] Mary! - Oh! It's Joseph.
It's Joseph. He's coming.
Go. He'll see us.
What? Mary?
Where's this woman?
- Do you want me to make him blind? - Stop it.
- [God] It'll be quick. - Stop.
Want me to give him a limp? It's trendy now.
- There's two in every corner. - Well, perhaps...
- Let's do this. - Stop it! I'm going crazy.
[breathing heavily]
- Promise you'll think about it? - I'll talk to Jesus first.
You deserve a man who values you.
- All right, let me go. - Go.
For the sake of me.
[ominous music playing]
- May I help you? - Excuse me.
- Where are you going? - I live here.
- Jesus is resting. - What?
He was exhausted. But I'll let him know you came by.
Okay? Later.
- I'm his mother. - I know.
- Would you like to leave a note? - Don't tease me, okay?
I know where you came from. I know your type.
I'm know people who had fathers kill their sons.
- It's Mary, right? - Mrs. Mary to you.
I'll call you Maricota. Maricota, J is exhausted.
Those 40 days in the desert were entrancing.
He did a lot of things he didn't even know he could.
So shall we let him rest, Minnie?
First of all, "Minnie," my ass.
Okay? Yeah. This is the true Mary.
This is the real Proud Mary, the one who steps on the serpent's head.
And my son won't be manipulated by a desert beggar.
- It's not begging, it's volunteering. - I'll tell you what.
I'll get into that room,
or your next volunteering job will be for an NGO,
rescuing your rotten, half-eaten balls from the bottom of the Dead Sea.
- Jeez Louise! - Excuse me. Thank you.
So aggressive.
Jesus. Did you lock it?
- He probably did. - He never locks his door.
Let your bird fly, Minnie.
[Mary] Jesus!
[clicks tongue]
He's asleep. It must be the tea.
- What tea? - He was feeling confused.
He said he needed to think, to ease his mind,
so I made him tea.
- What kind of tea? - I found it hidden in your kitchen.
- Did you use Joseph's tea for glaucoma? - Is it strong?
How much did you use?
Jesus was thirsty, poor thing. He drank it all.
[knocking on door]
[Mary, echoing] Honey?
[Jesus] This tea didn't do the trick.
- [Mary] It's Mom, baby. - [knocking on door]
- [Mary] Honey? - Orlando?
- [Mary] Honey? - Orlando!
[ominous music continues]
[high-pitched ringing]
[relaxing piano music playing]
- [crow cawing] - [birds chirping]
- [Joseph] Life has other plans for you. - [Mary] Your life has a greater purpose.
CONGRATULATIONS, ADULT JESUS XXX YEARS
[Balthazar] Keep an open mind.
[Aunt Lupita] Is he a fairy?
[Melchior] I wonder how Jesus will deal with being God's son.
[God] You have to understand that you're God now.
Now you can do anything.
[crow cawing]
[Jesus] Where am I?
[Buddha] You're inside your head.
[birds chirping]
Who are you?
We've all been through this dilemma.
I'm Buddha, he's Shiva.
- Who are you? - [alien] Tom Cruise will explain one day.
And there's Jah, but he's hard to reach.
I could eat some beans, if you have any.
There's Allah too. Look.
Er... Allah's gonna be right back, right?
Yeah, he's too shy.
Aren't you supposed to have four arms?
Fuck. Agnaldo!
Hold on, I'm coming. Sorry! On my way.
Just a minute, sorry. I was on my lunch break.
Hello, everyone.
- Take your place. - Calm down.
Jesus, being a God is super fun.
- I had other plans. - [Shiva] We all did.
Do you think I wanted to be here painted in blue,
rubbed from behind by Agnaldo?
- I'm not having fun either. - But why me?
Bottling up anger is like holding burning coal to throw at someone.
- It burns you. - [alien] Cut the shit, Buddha!
What?
Every time you don't know the answer to something,
you make something up to pretend you know it all.
And you know nothing.
- I know more than you. - What's the meaning of life?
Well, the meaning of life...
is a leaf floating down a river,
- with no water, no borders, just... - [chuckles]
These ridiculous clichés only work with your followers.
- It doesn't pan out here. - [alien] Admit you don't know!
I could eat some ice cream.
- Guys, let's focus. - What are you afraid of, Jesus?
I'm afraid of failing, of being misinterpreted.
Just write everything down. No one will get it wrong.
But am I the right person for this?
[alien] Relax, man!
People are gullible. They'll literally believe in anything.
Look at me!
Look at Shiva! Look at this guy!
Do you want a drag?
Do you think I have to accept it?
I think this opportunity won't come knocking again, man.
Well, thank you. You've cleared my head.
That's it, Jesus.
- Keep on learning and... - [Agnaldo] You idiot!
- What the hell! - [Agnaldo] I can't take it anymore!
- [Shiva] What's wrong? - Enough!
- [Agnaldo] I can't take this! - I was just saying...
[alien] He's annoying!
[Jesus] Calm down, everyone. You don't need to do that.
I'm leaving.
- High five. High five. - [chuckles]
- Where's the other one? - [Jah] Hey, bro.
Did you realize you'll be father and son at the same time?
- That shit's dope, bro. - [alien] Don't mind him. He's long gone.
[echoing] I'm high as a kite.
[tense music playing]
[Jesus grunting]
Where am I?
Oh, shit.
Damn it!
[grunts]
[Mary] I'll name this painting "The Baptism of God's New Son."
- Damn it! - [Melchior] No?
- [all] Again? - [Melchior] I can't believe it.
- It'll work this time. - [Melchior] Are you sure?
You tried so many times...
[Mary] The burgundy looks a bit...
- You know what? It's done. - [dings]
- [God] You're all set. - [gasps]
And you've been baptized. I do this, and we're done.
Thank God!
What's going on?
- Jesus! - Thank you, Lord!
- He's back! - [all cheering]
He's back!
I knew you'd come back.
- I'm so glad. - [Jesus] Come back from where?
You were gone for a week.
It felt like five minutes.
Joseph's tea is strong. I told you.
We thought you'd given up on your mission.
- No, I was thinking about it. - [Orlando] J, relax.
I told them who you really are.
I told them you're wild. You're a naughty Capricorn.
Sometimes too naughty.
- [laughs] - Look, Orlando...
The Three Wise Men helped me.
And you're absolutely right, no one can choose your path.
Orlando was a blessing in this household.
- Stop it, you! - [Mary] He was!
Do the stand-up bit about me telling Abraham to kill his son again.
I'll do it! On my way here,
I ran across Abraham with an axe.
- I said, "Abraham!"... - I know that one.
He didn't write it. You're stealing someone's joke!
- Jeez! - I'm here to say exactly...
J, chill out.
- What's up? - You're late. I'm God's son now.
You can go back to Joseph.
- Orlando. - [eerie music playing]
I think it's time you call me Lucifer.
- [Balthazar] Holy fuck. - Call me Lucifer.
It was so easy to tempt you back in the desert, Jesus.
What do you mean?
I did it in the blink of an eye.
I can't believe you were someone else this whole time.
Aw!
Were you using me, bro?
- I believed in you, dude. - Ah...
I thought it was real,
I thought I was special.
But no, you were just using me.
You're toxic, you know that?
You're a piece of trash!
[laughs, inhales]
- Lucifer, I order you... - Out!
- [grunts] - My God!
Wow, I like this power!
You're done, Grandpa!
God's time is over.
- His son will have to take over. - I said I'll do it if...
I took over his power, I'm his son.
Who will be my First Lady?
[Mary gasps]
Gross.
I can't seem to find it... Hey!
Take your hands off my wife, right now...
Goddamn!
[yelps] It's over!
It's time for my revenge.
[groaning]
Aw!
- [dings] - [mice squealing]
- [Lucifer] They could act in Cinderella. - My godfathers!
Son, I don't know what's happening to me. [grunts]
Only you can save us.
Orlando.
It'll be the easy way or the hard way.
Mmm. Look at her!
[electricity crackling]
[grunts]
Seriously? Fish?
Sorry, I'm still learning. [chuckles]
[clicks tongue] Mary, go grab some bread.
I'll show you some real skills.
Oh, my God.
[groaning]
[energetic electric guitar music playing]
[Lucifer] It's useless, Jesus.
You're not big enough to fight me.
Come with me.
Let's rule the world together.
Nobody will be able to stop us.
[spits] I'll show you skills.
It's no use trying. I can do whatever I want with you.
[grunts]
That's it. Spin.
Spin, spin, and stop!
Do the Macarena now!
Hand on your head, that's it!
Can you twerk? Go all the way down.
You got it, queen!
All right. Show me.
That's it.
Do the limbo dance, come on.
There you go. Let me see.
That's right. On one leg now.
[humming] Run from the dragon! Where is it?
There he is! Run!
You're a hobbit! Get the diamond!
Get it in the cave and run from the dragon.
It spat fire at you! Get down!
Get up! Grab the diamond. Go into the cave!
And... cut! I'm tired.
[body thuds]
[tense music playing]
[echoing] Come on, Mary. Dance!
Dance away!
[laughs]
Mice! There are mice here!
[God] Son, he is among us.
[laughing]
Orlando, you... you're right.
I know.
God's time is over.
That's right.
And there can only be one son of God on earth.
I like smart people.
And that son...
He can be anywhere.
What do you mean?
He is among us.
[chuckling] I'm not sure I follow.
God is everywhere.
I see him right there with a broken hip. [chuckles]
But he is also inside each one of us,
including you.
How's that? I'm not sure I...
No?
- [Lucifer] What's this? - [grunting]
[gasps]
What? Where's Jesus?
[chuckles] Forget it, he left. He's a coward.
He knows he can't...
He knows...
[eerie music playing]
I'm feeling... He kno...
[yelps]
I ate something that didn't agree with me.
[groans] It's just a heartburn.
[scoffs]
[yelps]
- [splats] - [screams]
[energetic rock music playing]
Fuck you!
- [Mary] Joseph! - Mary!
- [Mary] Are you okay? - [Joseph] Yeah.
Look at me.
What's this?
Oh, my God, Balthazar.
Is this jam? [crunches]
[Aunt Lupita] I saw mice around here.
Where are they?
Do you get now why I need you, son?
Yes, Dad.
Evil always comes back.
It's unbelievable.
- Are you all right, Jesus? - I am now, Mom.
[Aunt Lupita] Shoo! Go away!
I'm glad you've accepted your mission, son.
I haven't accepted yet, Dad.
What do you mean?
- You just said you understand. - I do, but I haven't accepted it.
I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of everything.
[sighs]
Besides, it's not a good fit for me, you know? I...
I'm not sure I agree with your style.
Getting a father to kill his son just for laughs.
Turning an entire city into stone after killing everyone.
Holding Jonah inside a fucking whale for a whole month.
That's wrong.
I'm into juggling, beads,
music,
poetry...
I know our styles are different.
Sometimes my pranks go too far.
But hear me out.
- You just turned 30, right? - Mm?
So how about we try a three-year internship?
- Is that possible? - Sure.
If you don't want to do it when you turn 33,
I'll find someone else, and you go back to your poetry,
your music, and all that.
Wait. Is this for real?
If I change my mind three years from now,
everything goes back to how it was?
Absolutely. At 33, you're free to go.
Promise?
I'm God, I don't lie.
Okay. But under one condition.
[clears throat] Wha... What is it?
[scoffs]
I want to choose the 12 men who'll follow me.
Oh, I see.
You know it doesn't have to be twelve men, right?
- They could be women. - I know,
but I already have 12 guys in mind.
- Of course you do. - Guys, what happen... [grunts]
- [God] Son of a bitch! - [Mary] You killed him.
He's dead.
He scared the shit out of me. He came out of nowhere.
There's no need for that. That's what I was talking about.
Resurrect him already.
- There's a fire over there. - Where?
Mary, come with me.
- Come quick. - No. I can't.
- [Joseph] In this house, - [gasps]
a fire would spread in a heartbeat.
I want to create a girl with you.
- [Joseph] Where's the fire? - Nowhere. Stop it.
- What? - What?
[Lazarus] It's so unnecessary.
- There you go. - [groaning]
- Say goodbye to your mom. - [Mary] Bye, son.
- Bye. Thanks for everything. - [Joseph] Love you, son!
I love you.
- Bye, Auntie. - [Mary] May God be with you.
Sorry about this mess. Wow!
Are we going to Heaven?
Oh, this? No. We're going to Galilee.
I just like a grand, dramatic exit, with light effects and all.
The poor love these things.
- [Joseph] Lord! - [Mary] What is it, Joseph?
[Joseph] I wanna talk to him.
Hear me out, God.
I was very immature
in this unnecessary fight
over Mary's and Jesus' love.
So I wanted to apologize.
I was wondering if we could... [chuckles]
[inhales] ...if we could be friends.
Sure.
- Friends? - Friends.
Friends! [groans]
- [God] Shall we? - What was that for?
- [God] It was a handshake. - [Joseph] My arm!
[Joseph] It fucking hurts!
[lively music playing]
Subtitle translation by Daiana Kirschner